On Thanksgiving 2016 my mom took her own life. Below is the post I wrote once I was able to gather my thoughts enough to comprehend what had happened.
I know what it's like to be depressed. I know what it's like to feel alone. I know how it feels when your world is falling apart and you can't stop it. I've withdrawn myself from family and friends..
I've avoided calls and messages because I didn't want to listen to how great or bad other people's lives are when I felt mine was at an all time low. But in all this I failed to think that someone could feel worse, someone could be lonelier.. I failed to reply to that I love you because I didn't feel like getting out of bed and talking to anyone. I failed to stop by and say hi when driving past because I didn't feel like dealing with anyone. I saw you were upset, I saw you were hurting. I knew you were broken but I didn't know how bad. I was angry at you at times because I thought you could do better, that you could do more. But you were always there. You were there when I called about needing a recipe..or how to light a gas stove. You were there when I called about how excited I was for my new home. You were there when I thought I could bite off more than I could chew but life told me differently. You pushed me to try harder, to do better, to want more. You comforted me when I cried, and we all know how much I cry. You gave me your love for animals...we both would own a zoo if we could. You gave me your passion for horses. You gave me your ability to cook.
You gave me a roof over my head and clothes on my back. You gave me life. I'm sorry I didn't message you back every morning, I'm sorry I didn't answer every phone call.. I'm sorry I didn't stop by last night..but I love you, I love you to the moon. I love you for everything you did for me..and I miss you. You told me that you didn't want kids, that you were at a tough spot in life, but when you found out you were pregnant with me I saved you.. i never fully understood that..I wish I could have saved you this time, I wish I would have been there. Please please, look down on us, all of us. Please see us when we are low, see us when we are weak. Show us that it will be okay. Please see how much we hurt now.. how much we wish you were here..please know that we all love you, more than we ever said. Jody A Nagengast
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